finally, it rained, the sun lost its hold on the growing clouds and decending upon the ground comes drops of memories,
memories that seep into the soil,
memories that sink into the pool water,
memories that appear once i see the rain..
every weekend seemed so slow, yet they past so fast, nothing done, nothing changed, time stops for me, for i know what is wrong. as i hold my eyes onto the mirror i see the unmendable wound... for
my time has stopped.
bluish grey is the sky, bluish grey is my heart,
bluish grey are the thoughts, that surround my every walk.
hazy grey is the air, hazy grey is my heart,
hazy grey are the eyes, that hold so many lies.
silent green are the woods, silent green is my heart,
silent green are my steps, that makes those little taps.
dying red is the rose, dying red is my heart,
dying red is my soul, passionate yet broken it is.- meng, colours of my heart
a leaf fell on 3:53 pm
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yesterday was a great day, frm the time i awoke, till now, i haven't got a wink of sleep... but it was fun, goin out having fun... but even in those moments, i still think of you... why is that so? did i not tell myself not to hold on? did i? i really don't know.
i'm like half asleep typing here, in my fren, kevin's, hse, what a sight... and sound, 2 ppl snoring away one on the floor one on a matress, another one just plopped dead and one was stoning on his bed. haha 5 ppl in one rm is a little too crowded... yet when i was lying down, almost in the dream world... -_-" guess what? i thought of you... again.
breakfast seems such a long way away my stomach is rumbling away... but for now i immerse myself in reflection of the long day has past...
the chirping birds awoke upon a new day,
the rising sun held upon the same sky,
I come upon a new day,
Thoughts upon the same person.
a leaf fell on 6:09 am
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tonight will be a night, cold, dark, and worst of all, lonely.
i try everyday, to steer my thoughts clear, of what holds me back, what so nice about an inn that kicks me out? wads so treasurable in there that i dont wanna leave?
why why WHY?
why cant i let go?
why cant we just be friends?
why cant i only take you as a friend?
why cant i understand, that it was never meant to be?
why the fuck do i still hold on?
why the fuck am i doing this to myself? she doesnt even know.
why cant i forget?
the nights i thought of you, but you werent there by my side
the days i talked with you, hoping you would understand
the words i said to you, hiding all the thoughts
the dreams i had about you, dreams are only dreams
the laughter i had when i was with you, true are those i had
the tears i dropped without you, worthless for you never knew
the worry i had for you, unknown cept for me
the silent care i had for you, unknown cept for me
the fear of letting you know, cowardice of my heart
the fear of letting you go, stupidity of my soul
the hopes i had for you, down the drain up my ass
the the anger i felt for a asshole next to you,
the hidden jealousy i had for that asshole,
the times i had to control myself from lashing out,
the times i could talk freely with you (without that asshole),
the times i wished you could know, the PAIN i felt inside
the times i wished you could know, the WORLD you were to me
and last of all, why can't i forget i ever loved you?
im tearing as i typed these words, as i ask this questions, as i think of why.
you never will read it, for you never knew, how much i spent for you,
worthless time, useless words, unworthy actions,
im glad i put the effort, fruitless it may be,
but its hard to let go, no one can help me,
meaningless my life stays, to you and forever to be
as i said these words, i stopped crying, i stopped trying,
for tonight will be a night, cold, dark, and worst of all, lonely.
a leaf fell on 11:54 pm
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the morning sky beckoned my wake,
as i woke n took a take,
the afternoon sun lights up my fate,
as i walked remembering the date,
the moonless night overlooked my sleep,
as i sank deep into the deep.
as i hold my hand against the light,
i realized my way was right,
as i walked the path that night,
i realized my road was wide,
as i closed my eyes tonight,
i let my thoughts take flight.
-meng, drifting day
a leaf fell on 5:04 pm
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The flowers, the chocolate, the card, cannot represent, what i really feel, but at least you know...
And i know, i found the one i've been searching for, but it seems that my destiny is not with you, though i so want it to be so.
The path i was walking on stopped short, but i continued walking anyway, in search of a path beyond this path, as i continue my path of a ruruoni (wanderer)... maybe one day i will find the inn, that i could live in, but for now, the trees shade me, the earth feeds me, my clothes wear me, my sandals walk the path i will never know...
Leaving behind the inn i stayed in, i paid so much rent, but it was worth the stay. As i fade into the trees, i wished i could have stayed, for eternity.
hehe ^_^ how you like this short story? it took less than 5 seconds to think each sentence out =P
the clustered street enshrouded me,
as i walked, enpowering me,
was the will, unfeeling me,
from the wound, unhealing me,
with the street, enshrouding me.
-meng,
shrouded pain
a leaf fell on 3:18 pm
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over the last few days of chinese new year, wahahaha I got $285... not much for this year, cuz my uncles on my mother's side cannot give ang pows due to my grandmother's passing...
=~(
Since i couldn't meet you, i figured msging you was a subsitute... so i started msging you on new year's eve, you msged back, but the morning of Chu Yi(First day) you suddenly stop replying, i msged a few more times but still no reply... I was worried, that you started to avoid me, that something happened to you... my mind went wild with thoughts...
Chu Er(Second Day) i still got no reply... until i came home at night. You asked me whether i called you in the morn, that you didnt check your phone. PHEW! you know how relieved i was?? mama... could have died right there...
so the saga of a lame guy continues, into the world whr he wants to be, yours.
a leaf fell on 11:27 am
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today, i went joggin with kevin 2.4km (ouch) in the morn, den play badminton like 3-4 hrs later... talk about a healthy lifestyle... well as usual, my thoughts we never fully on the game... i got hit around my body so many times i lost count...
i can't stand it, when you msged "i guess i wont be meeting you guys this whole week", you noe how that made me feel? lost... disappointed...
not being able to love you is already hard enough, not seeing you seems a crisis. whats the use of me holding on? i always tell people, "let it go, don't hold on" but i myself can't do it...
maybe this time... its special, for i feel so pain just to think of letting go...
so i want to end it i want to tell you all that i want to...
it sounds so mushy, so unsuiting for someone like you,
moreover, you are never alone, i never get the time, the small time, you are always around people, thats just so you, i like that about you, but it prevents me to say these words...
I dun care of the consequences now, i just want to let it out...
Wo zhi you zhen xing er yi,
I like you, no, I Love You... ... ... ... ... ... Haru, I can't tell you face to face, but you have to know from the bottom of my heart I say this, from the depths of my soul I know this. With all sincerity I want to tell you this.
a leaf fell on 8:48 pm
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Today, Sunday, the day god gave to people to rest after a week. I woke up at 11am, after a late night's sleep. My lethargic body held no energy as i struggled to wake, the night had been filled with thoughts. The house was empty lest for me. For sometime I've not felt this tired, this drained, this wounded.
Last night I came back after make the game version of "resident NOT SO evil" being a camera man was sort of tiring, timeing the shots and stuff... it was fun, but the funny thing was i was not that happy... for some reason... I realized later that night.
As i sat watching TV my mind was blank, maybe i thought too much yesterday that i didn't have to think today. This small reasoning started me thinking... again. I realized what lay in my heart.
Over the last few days, I could cope with seeing you, I could even laugh n talk to you WOW, holy shit thats great. I had the thought that I've gotten over what cannot be, that you would be just a friend now.
But last night as I listened to "Wo Shi Yi Zhi Xiao Xiao Niao" i wavered, my resolve to heal was crushed, I thought of you, how could you stay as only a friend?? when i think about you more than any other person?
When I went out, I would think of where you were, is it possible I would meet you?
When I saw someone
with a similiar hair style,
wear that similiar 3/4 shorts,
wearing the converse sneakers,
I would think of you.
When I waited for your message after i sent you one, I would think of you.
When I messaged you are you free tml? I hope you would be, but you never would.
When I'm at the last vestiges of conciousness before my sleep, I would think of you.
When I'm engrossed in editing the story Shan Shan wrote, I thought of you (gay looking watch).
When I looked through that video camera lens filming the video that would be shown to the class, I thought of you.
When we walk as a class I would think of you, whether you were talking, whether I was talking, in my subconciousness, I would think of you.
Can I still insist I got over you? when all I feel is a stronger thought, stronger than before.
Can I still pretend I got over you? when I notice you in that crowd of friends?
Can I still think I got over you? when I msged you "have a nice sleep?"
Tonight, as I argued with my father, I could not try to talk back, for.... I think of you...
I lay on my bed, pulsating throught my boday was an ache, not of a physical kind, but of a spiritual, I dropped a tear in the silence of the night... I thought of you.
Wo Deng De Chuan Hai Bu Lai, Wo Deng De Ren Hai Bu Ming Bai
-Richie Ren, Shang Xing Tai Ping Yang
a leaf fell on 10:51 pm
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On sunday, i went to my uncle's house at toa payoh. i was so reluctant at first, tired as a bull i planned to rest after a bath, but my father HAD to force me to go...
But guess what? i enjoyed it! my unc's cookin was GD veri GD! i also got a few cookin tips =)) and it was fun to play with my cousins haha, one of them thinks hez a power ranger -_-" he keeps whackin my butt, not that it hurts...... guess fate gave me the day to enjoy myself.
Den when i was about to go home, waiting at the void deck for my father to get his car here, i sat down and saw a cat, a stray one, it had the tip of its ear snipped off...... sad guy he wont be fucking around the rest of his life. I raised out my hand to it and it came letting me stroke it, it rubbed itself against me...... guess fate gave me that small moment to ease my pain.
Suddenly, a crowd of ppl walked pass and the cat bolted off, den my father came, we said our gdbyes, it was heartwarming to have a nice meal, simple it was, yet the joy it could bring momentarily eased the pain, i looked around for the cat, but i couldn't find it...... guess fate didn't give me a chance to say gdbye...
When i got back i lay there, again my thoughts, thoughts of a saggitarius, drifted back to you...... guess fate didn't give me what i longed to have.
its not been raining for so long, i forgot how the rain felt.
-meng
a leaf fell on 10:52 pm
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