yay, my father bought me a new phone, thank you dad!!! =))))) and guess wad model?
Nokia 6260 -_-" (same as romeo's) i bet you ridz is gunna say "eh copy romeo ah?" haha i can predict it already.
man it much better than the old crappy scorpion phone, can play mp3 like N-gage, got lotsa new modes, set a theme for it and best of all its.. USER FRIENDLY, unlike the stupid siemens phones, lags the hell out, and sux at delivering its uses... =))))
but i thought about the phone for awhile... wads the use? i couldn't even tell you what i so wanted to say through my old phone, wads the use of this new one? so i CAN tell you on this one? er, i don't think so haha...
i dont plan to start showing off my phone everywhere, might make ppl think im some stuck up spoilt bugger, maybe i am........ er guess not la =P
hey its gd time for me to change a phone ok...... this old one is half screwed already...
i really don't want to have such a flashy phone... but well my father got it... so....
haha why the fark am i reasoning? jus dont show off la =P
like zero wagging that headphone (it isn't his =P) all around thinking its nice to get it snagged by handles, clips and even other ppl's bags -_-
and he always says "oh its not mine" well fuck it, its not yurs so dont go around wagging it, oh i forgot, you get attention for that =)))
dodidodido i have to use this example WAHAHAHA!@!
i tried calling you on the phone, to find the connection was lost...
a leaf fell on 9:47 pm
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the irony of life is that it doesnt kill you, it tortures you slowly, giving false hope, so that one day, your death would be a release.
its been a few days since you knew, even if i didnt tell you directly. this few days i have reached the extremities of human emotion, from the absolute destitute, to the euphoric happiness, the overzealous anxiousness and finally the peaceful calm.
i guess thing are not the same anymore, you still talk to me, yes i can see, but you've built a barrier that i can't seem to break. so tired i am, the long road i've walked, to reach this barrier and i dont even get a chair.
no worries =) if you want to build a barrier, go ahead, as long as yur happy, for my onli reason to live is to see the happiness of others, not of myself, im not allowed much,
winning a soccer bet : $35
winning mahjong: $21
the happiness of knowing im special to someone? : never
there are something money cant buy, but for everything else you can use that 10 bucks in yur wallet, who needs mastercard anyway?!?!
but after i said all this, haha, i still wish that barrier is not there, for you noe, yur someone special to me =), though im not to you.
i wonder why i blog, when you are not here to read it, but who really cares? onli i do =) so maybe i'll talk a little longer, maybe not.
the sparrow cried, for it broke its wing, i cried, for i lost my hope
-meng, one without hope
a leaf fell on 1:34 am
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hey zero =)) fuck you =)) haha =))
im so happy today, guess who is avoiding me? guess whr i went? guess who im saying "fuck you" to? o, i already said fuck you, but oh well, one more FUCK YOU doesnt hurt does it?
well if i could stand being pushed into the background, treated like i wasnt there, made to look like a thorn in the flesh, you could stand having someone say "FUCK YOU" to you many times right?
so here i am happily saying my words, fucku you, fucka you, fuckerdoodle you, har har har, fucki you, fucko you, oh im loving it, fucking hell you son if a bitch!!! har har har =))))))))))))) this is anger dismanagement, you can always easily management anger, but you need real skill to dismanage your anger, so follow me, you can call 1800- fuck-those-000s its so free you could call ANYTIME, just be prepared to say fuck you =))))))))
who will listen to the one who listens to others?
-meng, the listener
a leaf fell on 9:38 pm
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This is gonna be a long post, so =) try to finish this, the confession of one who knows too much yet holds too little.
I didn't exactly tell you first hand my thoughts, i was gutless, hum ji. It seemed so hard to get across, you thought it was a joke ?!?!?! =) how i wish it was, if it would stop you frm avoiding me, i gladly would treat it as a joke... V^_^V remember this sign? i... i... so wanted to tell you, the three words after them, face to face.
Im sorry, if i said what i shouldnt have said, but you have to understand, it hard for me, to go by unnoticed, when all i can do is watch, i want to admit i care for you, but i can't even try to do it. What would have been if i told you earlier? I will never find out, but i know, i cant have you avoid me, it makes me lost, maybe IM the one avoiding you, but you have to know, its because im scared i would worsen the situation, muddle things, screw up.
Haha you read the posts, and you didnt understand nuts, you know how i felt the night? Even when i told you, so obviously, n the truth, "you're joking rite?" RIGHT, i was laughing my head off, aw mai gawd!!!!! nvr knew you were this dense when it comes to this things. lol, i had to accept things the way they are, but sometimes, i want to be a little more selfish, i want to know more, i want to say more, i want... to care more.
One cant force to love, i've heard that, and i ask myself, so why do i continue? guess i found out why, One cant force me not to love, i wont pretend i nvr loved you, its just too fake, lol you probably nvr even felt a thing, knowing how dense you are V^_^V, wont you try looking back? maybe you will realize, but i wont force you to.
Ive learnt that ive only known how to stay in the background =) NVR to be SPECIAL to anyone, nvr to be a part of someone, only in that way, ive known more, but now i also know i had less, much less. Spending my life in the background, its so hard to accept, the sacrifice i have to make. In the painting of
Mona Lisa no one would notice the lush background, her smile in the small area takes all, well the background with the huge area stays there.
I just want you to understand, my stand, thats all i ask, long aint it? And ya this is NOT a joke V^_^V
the bird caught the wind, and loosens its wings,
it plummets to the ground, only a foot away.
i continue to tread, for i know what will be,
that all i love, will part with me
-meng,
inevitable
a leaf fell on 6:13 pm
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sunday, its so quiet, cept for the blinds that keeping banging the windows, the breeze brought a fragrance, i felt like i was in the village of dali, peacefulness found in my blog music.
I msged you today, about tml, i was scared, as always, that you would avoid me, even if others tell me otherwise, im still scared, nonetheless. Its like if yur watching a scary movie, even if others tell you it is not scary, it sucks, you may still find it scary, nonetheless.
When i had nothing else to ask you, i looked at whr i was, at the bottom of a quarry cliff next to a pool rippling in the breeze. den i msged you, "hey i found out something you could use for CP", that prolonged the conversation a little longer but still it had to end. So i said "guess i have no more reason disturbing you", you replied "disturbing? i thought you were asking".
The way you returned my msgs looked just like you were sick of my msgs, why the fuck am i disturbing you on a nice sunday? but those few words, little meaning as it would have implied, gave me that shred, that scrap of hope.
So when i told you bout the place, you said "when we free we can go n look", i replied "its when YOU will be free, im always free ^_^"
i nearly typed "im always free for you ^_^"
i restrained myself, yet again i was scared.
Im a lost bird chasing after a fading wind, what more can i hope for?
-meng, hopelessness
a leaf fell on 11:19 am
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thursday, it was just like any other morning, the rush, the bustle, the mindless routine, as i sat in the mrt i looked at the time, 750 am, im late again, i missed THE mrt, one that you would be in.
my mother was talking to me, i LOVE her, that naggy woman who ppl always mistook for my sister, but i wasn't listening, i wasn't hearing, i was searching... MAYBE you were late?? no. den i could surprise you again =) that look on yur face when i did that O.O oh i wanted to see it again... when i msged you "boo look behind you" O.O den i would smile =)
the essence of a ninja, not to be noticed till you strike, i always thought it was cool.
as i reached the top of the escalator i looked around, MAYBE you were waiting? no. so i walked towards block L MAYBE i would meet you on the way? no. i wished, i wish i had met you earlier, so i could talk to you earlier than anyone else. but maybe yur mother had already said "i love you" before you left yur house. like at the airport, you hugged yur parents and said gdbye but shook my hand, how i wanted to hug you, but i know that would bring me farther frm you.
i was an outsider longing to be inside (the CIRCLE of trust........ assssssh..... holeeeeeeeee).
the top lvl, lvl 6, i opened the doors, the morning sun, i LOVE it, the peaceful serenity and the basking warmth, it gives me the strength to live the day, but i wasn't listening, i wasn't hearing, i was searching, searching for you in the crowd of friends, MAYBE you were there? no. so i went to put down my stuff, i walked to the parapet to look at the sun, i saw a figure, MAYBE it wasn't you? no. the wind was just so strong..., "RK - one half" played on in my zentouch.
so i stood there, 3 paces from you, i wasn't listening, i wasn't hearing, i was searching, searching for the words to say, but i didnt want to wake your slumber, MAYBE you were dreaming of me? no. so i just stood there, 3 paces frm you, i was an outsider longing to be inside.
ha watashi aishite'ru
-meng, my words
a leaf fell on 10:09 pm
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today, i wake up n bathe, brush my teeth....... woops nvr brush -_- hehe sry if i got bad breathe todae. den i wear my clothes, get wallet, wear sandals den........ den........ kao sibei lame.
wellllllll, im quite happi with moi CPS2 exercise 2, can think better today.... dunnoe y =P
the lame socket became... a boat, a burrow, a spider, a car...
the brick wall became... t-shirt design, many hills, conveyor belt, jigsaw puzzle and er... brick wall =)
the window became... doors, a lanyard, watch, and er... window =)
den afta CPS go macs n eat... sounds so mundane, the routine is boring, im boring -_-"
sometimes i wonder,
must i be special??
or shld i be myself??
is being myself being special??
cuz i dont find it that way, being myself is boring.
being myself for others... isn't that not being myself?
is it so bad to be someone yur not?
doesn't it make life that bit more interesting?
i want to tell you, this is the real me, but im afraid, im afraid i'll bore you, that you won't care then, that i'll lose that little attention you give me, you may not know, but it means so a lot to me, im scared that i'll be lost... alone... again
so i ask is it worth it?? to keep it for so long, yet not let you know??
am i SELFISH for not telling you, for WANTING not to tell you??
no its not worth it, its a f***ing waste of effort and time, but dude you know dude? its hard, just so hard...
to let it be,
to let it grow,
to let it go...
maybe, why maybe? can't i say ok or no ok? MAYBE i just have to ask you.
should the cloud shroud the sun, if the wind floud the leaves,
i shall doubt my mind, and believe my heart
-meng, believe in doubt
a leaf fell on 7:28 pm
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Yesterday was a GREAT day, for my nose at least, i guess when you have 2 hrs of slp and no medication for a nose, you get a "bad nose day" the sniffles get WORSE the stuff starts ROLLING out the fun gets SPLATTED...
at nite when i comin home frm a late night out guess who i met -_- a sailor, one i've known since i started sailing, someone i liked before =) reminds me of the time when i was jus pri 5, haha puppy love, we sat on a pontoon out at sea with a setting sun, i looked at her while she looked out into the distant horizon... ... bish* ouch, she jus slapped me on the face with a book she was holding and laughs -_- i cried... not becoz i sad, becoz kanna my nose =) damn pain sia!!! and for 8 yrs shez jus been whackin me :'( pain..... well its gd to see an old fren but getting smacked on my nose when it is already screwed.. is kinda PAIN!!!
then when i got home, lay on my bed, thinkin of the person i jus msged.
i sneezed, tired, i was just tired,
tired from the everlasting assignments,
tired from the trips out and back,
tired from the lack of sleep (kao 2 hrs of sleep...),
most of all,
tired of seeing you,
tired of knowing that you don't know,
tired of seeing what you don't see,
tired of holding back my words,
tired of my cowardice,
tired of everything.
so maybe, maybe i'll rest for today, think of tomorrow... ... i went back to thinking of the person i msged
if tomorrow never comes, will she know how much i love her??
-ronan keating, if tomorrow never comes
a leaf fell on 6:34 pm
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Sitting down on a table in a noisy hawker centre, eating my hot lor mee,, drinking my hot soyabean drink, i looked up into the cloudy sky.
A cold wind flutter my "josephian" PE t-shirt, I knew the rain was beckoning, calling back the unforgiven memories, the past... not of me, but of a previous me,
one that tells me of sorrow,
one that hopes me to borrow,
a light to be tomorrow.
I shake off the thoughts, focus...... focus on... lor mee? Sounds shao wei lame... I continue eating, the taste brings a little relieve, that there is still the simple joys I can savor.
I looked for a shred, a shred of happiness the tie up the wounds, for a torn soul not of mine.
Then, the first drop decended towards the land, I stared up and stood up, walking into the drizzle, for the first time, I saw a shred, for i remembered you, for i envision a picture of you, maybe rainy days won't be that sad at last =)
just like a wolf's howl never echoes,
the resonance of my voice never reaches
-meng, mibu
a leaf fell on 7:50 pm
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a hundred miles, a thousand feet, i tread alone, with my two feet,
a thousand miles, a million feet, i tread alone, without a sleep,
a million miles, a billion feet, i tread alone, its getting deep,
the infinite miles, the infinite feet, the distance i walk, for what do i need?
Hehe, poems of me, are poems for thee, but only the meaning, should you understand me?
Ola,
Gom es ta?(helo, how are you?)
Jesus, downing a bottle of beer burp* is a little too much for me sia... weeeee.... my head starts throbbing, my face turns red, but im still not drunk... dunno y leh, drink a bit onli face turns red.
last yr has been fun, the second half of it =) its been half a yr since i meet my poly friends, heehee, cheers doods hic* its NEW YEAR hic* HAPPI NEW YEAR HIC* (X_x) so any comments on the new friends you have had for 1/2 a yr?? GREATO DORRYA MOERUZE BURNING!!! you guys have been great friends =))))) so keep smiling, even if you are alone, like me, SMILE!!! =)))))))
a leaf fell on 8:47 pm
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